(no subject)

I realize that it has been a long time since I have written anything, not that there isn't anything to write about.  I've started countless entries over the past few months but closed the window because I always decide that my entries come off as amateurish and don't contain enough prose.  Each new attempt is haunted by the sentences of weeks prior as drafts are restored.  I don't really understand why I always feel the need to impress when my original intent for this journal was to communicate and to express... A sorry attempt at trying to extract my trapped thoughts. And so this is what I intend this entry to resucitate.

I cannot lie and say that things have been peachy.   There are things to look forward to : the start of second (and last!) year in a few weeks, my only sister visiting for seven days and spending my life with Matthew.  But there are also things that I try to ignore : having $18 in my bank account, being unemployed, gaining 40 pounds since moving to the city and digging myself back into the hole that I had worked so hard to crawl out of.  What hinders my progress the most is that I have been here for close to a year and still feel homeless.  I spend far more time at Matthew's than I do in my own apartment and realized that my place is essentially a crash pad, not a residence.  And at Matthew's it is still hard for me to feel at ease.  His apartment is where I go to vent or mope, to stuff my face, to fornicate.  It's where we argue and where we make up but it is not mine, nor ours.  It is his.  I am a visitor; not permanent.  It is also his place to escape, and because I am here so much, I fear that he may seek other ways to escape.  There is no amount of cleaning, no amount of cooking, no amount of blow jobs that will make up for the fact that I suck out  anything that he has left to give.  One year, and I still feel like I don't belong. 

I'm sorry you're tired of the same ol'...

"Here it is. One more, one less. Another wasted love story. I really love this one. When I think that its over, that I'll never see him again like this... well yes, I'll bump into him, we'll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we'll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely. Almost. Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drunk up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well. There's a moment in life where you can't recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can’t live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses."

(no subject)


Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions. They have to be real... nothing made up! If the person before you had the same first initial, you must use different answers. You cannot use any word twice and you can't use your name for the boy/girl name question.

1. What is your name: Sarah

2. A four Letter Word: sand

3. A boy's Name: Shawn

4. A girl's Name: Sierra

5. An occupation: statistician

6. A colour: slate (grey)

7. Something you wear: socks

8. A food: salmon

9. Something found in the bathroom: soap

10. A place: San Fran!

11. A reason for being late: snow storm

12. Something you shout: shit!

13. A movie title: Sixteen Candles

14. Something you drink: sangria

15. A singer: Sufjan Stevens

16. An animal: skunk

17. A street name: Spadina

18. A type of car: Suburban

19. A song title: Save your scissors

20. A verb: scan

(no subject)

I don't even know where to begin.  I'd like to blame it on lack of sleep, but all I do is lay in bed.  If I'm not dozing, I'm laying there, trying my mightiest to fall out of consciousness.  To kill time, I'll lurk facebook but close the window halfway through acquaintance x's latest photo album or note because I realize that I really don't give a shit.  I should be studying.  I should be going to work.  I should be picking up the phone.  I should be doing something other than loathing.  I'm physically at the worst I've been in a long time.  I hate my body and I hate my weaknesses.  I hate that my opinion of myself is based mostly on the way others perceive me or the way I believe they do.  I hate that I have such great friends but always feel alone.  And I hate wanting to be alone, despite having great friends.  I don't know what's worse : knowing it's going to happen or not being able to stop it.

Traditional year end survey!


1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Abandoned house photo shoot, random road trip, post-secondary studies, left the nest, real-ationship... this year had a lot of firsts.


2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
There's always the usual figure related resolutions that are impossible to keep in this business.  I do want to get more healthy but it's a lifelong thing.


3. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Money would be pretty nice but I can't complain... I am wealthy in so many other ways.


4. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I don't remember dates at all (unless it's a birthday, cause we all know that's all my memory is useful for), but amazing moments: Metric concert, bakettes birthday parties, V fest, Rouyn-Noranda, May long weekend, three christmases, packing up my apartment with phil and tina


5. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Graduating high school.


6. What was your biggest failure?
Allowing myself to break down upon arrival.


7. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I'm not sure there's anything more that could have been done.


8. What was the best thing you bought?
Possibly laptop?


9. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No one really close to me but definitely people I know.

10. Whose behavior merited celebration?
So many worthy folks.  Tina and Phil both did well in school, Tina followed her dream, Matt made it on stage, my gals stuck it through an entire semester...  I know great people.

11. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going to college was the main one.

12. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Everlong


13. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder?
happier
b) thinner or fatter?
probably fatter or roughly the same 
c) richer or poorer?
way poorer 

14. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Speaking up.


15. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Procrastinating.


16. Did you fall in love in 2008?
Twice.


17. What was the best book you read?
The Edible Woman
 

18. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Saydiemichelle.
 

19. What did you want and get?
To go to college.


20. What did you want and not get?
A birthday call.


21. What was your favorite film of this year?
Slumdog millionaire.


22. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Turned 21 and got to celebrate with the bestest gals on the planet with a potluck in the Beaches.  The following day, I made homemade pizza with Matt and went to the movies.


23. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Not very much changed.  I think my look needs to be polished a little.  It's a little frumpy.


24. What kept you sane?
Neighbor boy... the late night talks, hugs and sleepovers.


25. Who did you miss?
My family, to a certain extent, and the friends from back home.


26. Who was the best new person you met?
Many.  Top two:  mini Sarah and neighbor boy.


27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
I'm something pretty great.


28. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year
This will never change
Time just wears a prettier face
I'm book smart
Street stupid

So, don't look for me in confession booth
I'm with my paints, and my pens, and my dry vermouth
Trying to uncover some small truth
With these cards close to my chest

moi, toute petite.

I wish that you could understand these lyrics as there is no better way for me to express how I feel...

Tu regardes les femmes.
Ça me rend malade
Et tu le sais bien
Que ça me fait du mal
Mais je te dis rien
Parce que je t'aime.
Souffrir par toi
C'est bon tout d'même.
Tu pourrais me faire
Plus de mal encore
Que je dirais rien,
Alors t'es fort.
Parce que t'es grand,
Moi toute petite
Je dis toujours oui
Et t'en profites
Et je t'obéis.
Tu gagnes toujours.
Ah... t'es pas méchant.
T'es un peu brute.
C'est pas de ta faute
Si t'es comme ça,
Et puis moi
J'aime pas les disputes.
Alors je dis rien
Parce que je t'aime
Et que t'obéir
C'est bon tout de même.

Mais y a des jours
Où tu n'es plus le même.
Quand t'as besoin de sentir
Qu'on t'aime
Et ces jours-là,
Tu deviens tout petit.
Alors je te prends
Sur ma poitrine.
J'écoute ton cœur
Et c'est très doux.
Je deviens toute grande
Et je te câline.
Je suis presque heureuse
Et j'oublie tout.
Là, dans mes bras,
Tu n'oses plus rien dire.
T'as sur les lèvres
Un beau sourire
Et, comme un petit môme,
Tu t'endors.
Ben là... vraiment,
C'est toi le plus fort.

I really need someone to get me [out of this mess].


5:00AM: Wake-up.  Shower.  Get dressed.  Gather school supplies.
6:07AM:  I have left the house.  I walk to Hallam Street to wait for the bus.  If I have left early enough, I will walk to the station.  Take the Eastbound train to Younge Station, change levels and take the Southbound train to King.
6:35AM  I walk up the stairs and see no signs of a streetcar.  I walk to school.
6:50AM  I am in uniform and in class.  I begin prep.
10:55AM  I rush out of lab with all of my things, change quickly and rush to make it to my 11AM class, slightly late.
2:00PM  Class lets out.  I rush out to catch the streetcar or walk to King Station and make my way up to Eglinton on the subway.
2:30PM: I get to the station, rush up the stairs and run to the other end of the terminal just in time to miss the 103.  I wait 15 minutes for the next one.
2:50PM:  I arrive at work.  Paula is happy to see me because she now gets to go home.  She quickly mumbles things I need to do, leaves me with goods baking in the oven and a pile of dishes in the sink.  It's too late to do more baking for the day so I spend the evening tidying.
7:15PM:  On a good day, this is when I get to leave work.  I have just missed the 103 so I walk down to Eglinton and Mount Pleasant to wait for a bus.
7:30PM:  I take the Southbound train to Bloor Station and transfer to the Younge line in order to head home.
8:23PM:  I am home.  I have not had dinner nor lunch.  I have snacked on my product during class and have nibbled on some cookies or brownies at work.  I have homework, but at this point I have been rushing for 15.5 hours and just want to catch my breath.  I go to Matt's because I want to avoid having to deal.  Tomorrow morning, I will have another 7AM start lab.  I will also do poorly on my test because I haven't taken the time to do the work.  I will tear myself up for doing this, and move on to mentally critiquing anything else I may be unhappy about : behavior, weight/appearances, habits.  I will fall back into old habits.

I work at least 20 hours a week.  I go to school 26 hours a week.  I spend another ten hours doing homework.  My job is very liberal and it is in the industry but in a day, I spend nearly 2.5 hours commuting when I work and go to school.  That's at least 16 hours a week spent commuting.  Dead time.   My "baking" job really only allows me to do custodial and retail work.  The only real skills I'm developing are my barista skills, which I'm sure I could do somewhere much closer to home.  I work more hours than I can handle and I am miserable.  My locker is a mess.  My apartment is a mess.  My mind is a mess.  I can't keep doing this to myself.

  • Current Mood
    hurt

Wishlist! (edited on November 5)

The purpose of this post is to make your shopping easier.  I will not ask any person for something specific so I'm posting a list of things I want and/or need.

- waffle maker.  mine is gone.
- ice cream maker.
- magnetic poetry : original, erotic, book of poetry.
- bath robe, preferably terry cloth.
- bed sheets, preferably white cotton.
- vintage picture frames.
- a reliable kitchen timer.
- cookbooks.  Anything and everything.  Some of the titles I've been eyeing : Cordon Bleu's Petit Larousse du Chocolat, Sugar - Anna Olsen, Another Cup of Sugar - Anna Olsen, Jamie Oliver Series, Martha Stewart's Baking Handbook
- a gym memborship.  yes, my school offers a free work-out facility but I work after school on most days and cannot be bothered to make a 35 minute commute downtown, after work, to go work out.
- cooling racks, for cookies and cakes.
- aprons.
- hats.
- purses.
- wallets.
- nintendo ds and brain age.
- ironing board.
- recipe box.
- vacuum.
- knife block.
- art.
- label maker.

I love quirk and kitsch.  The colour scheme I have going is white, blue, red and black in the kitchen, living and bed rooms.  The bathroom is green, white and black.    Oh, and nothing that needs to be hung from the ceiling as mine is roughly 6 feet.  Etsy, Uncommongoods or Chapters would be great places to look for anything else I haven't mentioned.  Feel free to venture away from the list as this is intended mostly for the stumped.  Gift cards would also be welcomed as my current budget is restricted.